:: Billy's Big Fat Greek Blogspot ::

:: Wednesday, June 16, 2004 ::

Forrest Gump Dies

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,
March 2nd. . ."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first
name"?

"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
:: city 16:40 [+] ::
...

Men say the stupidest things...

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"




He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
:: city 12:54 [+] ::
...

Obsessions...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.


To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating, "You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

:: city 12:43 [+] ::
...

Blind Pilots...

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.



They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.



The entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.



Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.



The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.



The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.



As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.



At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.



In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

:: city 12:41 [+] ::
...

Update...


Well, here's your update. I've been working my ass off, my car blew up, and I still drink too much. Any questions???

And, I love all of you...thanks for stopping on by.



:: city 18:16 [+] ::
...

Beach Famine

Brad, a local beachgoer, simply couldn’t make time with any of the girls. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.

“Dude, it’s obvious,” said the lifeguard. “You’re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You’ll have all the babes you can handle.”

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it’s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.

“For cryin’ out loud,“ said Brad, “it’s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What’s wrong now?”

“Jeez!” said the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!”

:: city 14:17 [+] ::
...

Ambush...

A Marine Corps husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself. So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!" He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending.

:: city 14:12 [+] ::
...

Three Little Boys

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So, they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.
One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked,

"What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you.

We're not Babtis because they dunk all of you in it.

We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

"Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means that we're Pisscopalians."

And yes, I am Episcopalian...
:: city 14:07 [+] ::
...

Fad diets...


A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. Due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him awhile to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much! To his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
:: city 23:29 [+] ::
...

Redneck darwinism...

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.


1st Hillbilly: My blonde wife sure is stupid... she bought an air conditioner!

2nd Hillbilly: Why is that stupid?

1st Hillbilly: We ain't got no 'lectricity!

2nd Hillbilly:That's nothin'! My blonde wife is so stupid, she bought one of new fangled fangled warshin' machines!

1st Hillbilly: Why is that so stupid?

2nd Hillbilly: Cause we ain't got no plummin'!

3rd Hillbilly : That ain't nuthin'! My redhead wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there.

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: Well what's so dumb about that?

3rd Hillbilly: She ain't got no pecker!!!

:: city 11:44 [+] ::
...

Fore!!


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked as well. That bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

:: city 09:17 [+] ::
...

Religious fears...

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names...small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, .what is this?

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service".

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
:: city 09:07 [+] ::
...

Wedding Bliss...


On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten her shoes. Panic set in until her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding, so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small, and by the time the festivities were over Sophie’s feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom, hearing roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises, and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they heard Edward say, “God, that was tight.”

“There,” whispered the Queen to her husband, the Duke, “I told you she was a virgin.”

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, “Right. Now for the other one.” Following was more grunting and straining, and at last Edward said, “My God. That was even tighter.”

“That’s my boy,” said the Duke. “Once a sailor, always a sailor.”



:: city 19:16 [+] ::
...

Break time...


It's Easter break...Woo Hoo!!!!



:: city 18:51 [+] ::
...