Billy's Big Fat Greek Blogspot

2004-06-16T16:40:00.000-04:00

Forrest Gump Dies

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,
March 2nd. . ."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first
name"?

"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

2004-05-31T12:54:00.000-04:00

Men say the stupidest things...

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.

2004-05-31T12:43:00.000-04:00

Obsessions...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating, "You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

2004-05-31T12:41:00.000-04:00

Blind Pilots...

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.

They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.

The entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

2004-05-29T18:16:00.000-04:00

Update...

Well, here's your update. I've been working my ass off, my car blew up, and I still drink too much. Any questions???

And, I love all of you...thanks for stopping on by.

2004-05-17T14:17:00.000-04:00

Beach Famine

Brad, a local beachgoer, simply couldn’t make time with any of the girls. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.

“Dude, it’s obvious,” said the lifeguard. “You’re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You’ll have all the babes you can handle.”

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it’s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.

“For cryin’ out loud,“ said Brad, “it’s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What’s wrong now?”

“Jeez!” said the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!”

2004-05-17T14:12:00.000-04:00

Ambush...

A Marine Corps husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself. So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!" He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending.

2004-05-17T14:07:00.000-04:00

Three Little Boys

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So, they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.
One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked,

"What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you.

We're not Babtis because they dunk all of you in it.

We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

"Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means that we're Pisscopalians."

And yes, I am Episcopalian...

2004-05-03T23:29:00.000-04:00

Fad diets...

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. Due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him awhile to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much! To his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

2004-04-28T11:44:00.000-04:00

Redneck darwinism...

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly: My blonde wife sure is stupid... she bought an air conditioner!

2nd Hillbilly: Why is that stupid?

1st Hillbilly: We ain't got no 'lectricity!

2nd Hillbilly:That's nothin'! My blonde wife is so stupid, she bought one of new fangled fangled warshin' machines!

1st Hillbilly: Why is that so stupid?

2nd Hillbilly: Cause we ain't got no plummin'!

3rd Hillbilly : That ain't nuthin'! My redhead wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there.

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: Well what's so dumb about that?

3rd Hillbilly: She ain't got no pecker!!!

2004-04-28T09:17:00.000-04:00

Fore!!

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked as well. That bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

2004-04-28T09:07:00.000-04:00

Religious fears...

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names...small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, .what is this?

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service".

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

2004-04-07T19:16:00.000-04:00

Wedding Bliss...

On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten her shoes. Panic set in until her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding, so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small, and by the time the festivities were over Sophie’s feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom, hearing roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises, and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they heard Edward say, “God, that was tight.”

“There,” whispered the Queen to her husband, the Duke, “I told you she was a virgin.”

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, “Right. Now for the other one.” Following was more grunting and straining, and at last Edward said, “My God. That was even tighter.”

“That’s my boy,” said the Duke. “Once a sailor, always a sailor.”

2004-04-07T18:51:00.000-04:00

Break time...

It's Easter break...Woo Hoo!!!!

2004-04-03T17:39:00.000-05:00

Ugh...

Well, I'm still super hungover. But, I was a good boy last night and went out with my roommates and stayed up here at the Rock. I'm going to go back to bed and my hydrating IV now...

2004-04-02T16:03:00.000-05:00

Alive and well...

I know that I have been MIA for about a week or so, but it's been a rough couple of weeks. I'm finally getting on with my life...which means that tonight I'm going to get back to doing what it is that I do best. See y'all downtown at the Strip District or the Southside if you're in the 'Burgh!!!

(I'm sure there will be a severely hungover post about all of my madness tomorrow morning...)

And...my wisdom for the evening is this, eat...drink...be merry...and extremely promiscious!!!

2004-03-25T13:12:00.000-05:00

From Our "Chief" Meteorologist...

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation
asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been
taught the old secrets and, when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what
the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he
replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the
members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also, being a practical leader, he decided to seek advice from
experts. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather
Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist
at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people
and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it still
going to be a cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at the National
Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter.

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you
absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold?" he asked for
a third time. "Absolutely," the weatherman replied. "In fact, it's going
to be one of the coldest winters ever!"

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are gathering wood like crazy."

2004-03-24T17:26:00.000-05:00

Never Tell the Truth

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice,

"Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday at Cropos Chapel.

Courtesy of Coffeequeen, thanks again!!!

2004-03-23T20:32:00.000-05:00

Look to the left...

Cough Syrup

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him a entire bottle of laxative."

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot!!!! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

2004-03-23T09:49:00.000-05:00

Confessions...

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”

The priest is silent for a moment, then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”

“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.

“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that fucking smirk off your face.”

2004-03-23T09:43:00.000-05:00

The Silent Treatment...

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake
him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

(Men are just not equipped for these kinds of contests.)

2004-03-23T09:35:00.000-05:00

Beating a dead horse...

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more
advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride
horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's
performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would
improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore
contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do
some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements
for all horses.

And of course my favorite...........

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

2004-03-20T13:03:00.000-05:00

Things to do in Pittsburgh when you've been dumped...

1. Sleep in really late.
2. Take aspirin for super-hangover.
3. Play with your cats and dog that you haven’t seen in forever.
4. Go to your Grandma’s, do all the things that makes Grandma’s so great…Eat spaghetti, listen to old records (Frank, Dino, and the rest of the pack…), listen to her tell you about her week and all the movies and restaurants that she went to. Good times…good times.
5. Chat with some old friends online.
6. Read aspirin bottle; make sure that it won’t hurt you if you take it with bottle of Jack Daniels. (If they don’t mention anything, it can’t be bad…right?)
7. Go see your best friend’s newborn baby boy (Congratulations Joey!!!!!) that you put off seeing because you too busy going to her nephew’s birthday last night… right before she broke up with you.
8. Remind yourself that you are 28 and still single, with no prospects of a family of your own on the horizon.
9. Then remind yourself that you have some of the greatest friends in the world (Bruce, Chris, Freddie, Joey, Michael, Monty, Scott…in alphabetical order, because I couldn’t rate a group of men with so much heart, loyalty, and class).
10. Remember that those guys are a better family than anyone could ever ask for.
11. Look at bottle of aspirin; think that it is all a friggin sham. I know now that I am a part of a secret global placebo conspiracy.
12. Start to delete names from telephone, and enjoy it.
13. Do 100 push-ups.
14. Do 100 crunches.
15. Listen to some of my own music now. I love the classics, but for some reason Jimi always seems to cheer me up. That man knew what it was like to actually feel. “Waterfall…”
16. Take solace in the fact that you can get back to leading your own life again.

2004-03-18T19:19:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile...

I'm not sure if anyone still ever stops on by this little cesspool of filth that I like to call my website, but I figured that I'd update it anyway, if only for my own catharsis. Funny thing is, I really don't have anything interesting to say. I'm still up here at Slippery Rock, chipping away at my Physical Education and Health degree. I'm still in Officer Candidate School, and I'll be commissioned as a 2nd Lieutenant in August. After that, I guess I'm off to either Military Intelligence School...but I might branch Infantry now, so I've got some choices to make. MI sounds cool enough, but a lot of my friends are going Infantry at a unit near my house, and I would much rather be in the middle of some crazy shit with those guys than anyone else in the world. Choices...I guess that's what life is made of.

Anyway, I guess I'll just update with something witty at another time, the well is kinda dry today...

2004-03-03T11:54:00.000-05:00

Lawyers say the cutest things...

Yeah, supposedly people actually said these things out loud...

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

2004-03-03T11:40:00.000-05:00

Huh?

A traveling salesman’s car breaks down in the country, so he decides to call on the closest farmhouse.

When the farmer opens the door, the salesman says, “Sir, my car died just up the road. Could I stay here for tonight?”

The farmer says, “Sure, but you’ll have to promise not to sleep with my son.”

“Excuse me,” says the salesman, “but I think I’m in the wrong joke.”

2004-02-28T08:55:00.000-05:00

Next...

This guy sticks his head into a crowded barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop at all the customers and says, "About two hours," and the guy leaves.

Every day, the same guy pokes his head in at the busiest time, and every day he’s told there’s a long wait and he leaves. Finally, after about two weeks of this, the barber looks over at a buddy and says, "Bill, why don’t you follow that guy and see where he goes?"

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

"Well?" says the barber. "So where does he go?"

"To your house."

2004-02-12T14:04:00.000-05:00

Thanks Leah!!

Now this is some funny stuff...

Famous Sexual Quotes
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
* Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
* Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
* Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
500SL."
* Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
* Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
* Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
* George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading."
* Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it., so I said "Thyroid problem?'"
* Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
* Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
* Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor!

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
* Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"
* Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams

2004-02-03T18:22:00.000-05:00

Yawn...

Ok, I'm almost out of my hibernation. I got lots of stuff to say, just no time to say it. Oh...and the Pats still suck ass!!!

2004-01-22T14:45:00.000-05:00

Gods and Engineers...

Three men are arguing in a bar. The first says, “God must be a mechanical engineer—just look at the joints in the human body.”

The second says, “God is an electrical engineer—look at the nervous system.”

The third says, “God has to be a civil engineer—who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?”

2004-01-21T12:01:00.000-05:00

How smart are you???

See if you all can figure out this puzzle...

Subject: What is her motive in killing her sister?

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.
No one I know has gotten it right - including me.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be just that! She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

E-mail me your answers and I'll post the answer in a few days...

2004-01-20T14:47:00.001-05:00

For all my Irish Peeps in tha house...

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar....

What? It could happen!!!!

2004-01-20T14:47:00.000-05:00

Good old Ferrets...

A guy walks into a bar and sees another guy sitting with a ferret. The guy seems to be stroking it rather lovingly. The first guy asks him, “Why are you stroking that ferret?”

He replies, “Well my friend, the ferret gives the best head in the world.”

“Bullshit, there’s no way a ferret can do that.”

“Go try yourself.”

So the first guy takes the ferret and goes into the bathroom. A few minutes pass and suddenly there’s banging and moaning and screaming coming from the bathroom. The first guy comes out, stroking the ferret lovingly and looks at the second guy. “I will give you $500, no $1000, for this ferret.”

The second guy thinks about it for a little while and then nods. “Alright, a thousand dollars it is.”

The first guy pays the second guy and takes the ferret home. He places it on the table in front of his wife and tells her the story. She looks at him in amazement, “What am I supposed to do with a $1000 ferret?”

“Teach it to cook and get the fuck out!”

2004-01-17T13:50:00.000-05:00

To all the ladies in the place I'm callin' out to ya...

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
---------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."
---------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men break wind ! more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
----------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
--------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
---------------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
--------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
----------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
---------------------------------------------

2004-01-17T13:48:00.000-05:00

Hooah...

The next time you hear a politician use the words "billion" casually, think about whether you want that politician spending your tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:

A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends it.

The Democrats are complaining on how long the war is taking but consider this:
It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation.
It took less time to find Saddam's sons in Iraq than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.
It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sunk at Chappaquiddick.
Don't you think our military is GREAT?

2004-01-15T17:46:00.000-05:00

Flu shots...

Since I'm nebby, I'll jump in and answer the discussion on Stormy's tagboard.

Flu shots are a result of research from doctors, generally representatives of the CDC, of flu trends from our Asian friends. From these trends, doctors speculate as to what type of flu virus is most likely to attack the largest number of Americans. Then, these doctors inject a sample of a dead flu virus. You cannot, I repeat cannot contract any type of flu or malady from a dead virus. Your body uses this dead viral makeup to build up antibodies against the incoming (speculated) flu virus. But, the problem is that there are many strains of flu viruses, so the chance of choosing the correct strain is often a roll of the dice. Also, some strains are much more virulent than others, so in the interests of utilitarianism the doctors sometimes choose to innoculate the general population against the deadlier of the strains as opposed to the one that gets you sick for a few days.

So...get a flu shot or don't. But the idea that they inject you with the flu, a live virus anyway, is a common (but fallacious) myth.

2004-01-13T12:54:00.000-05:00

Once more into the breech...

Well, school is back up and running. I have 7 classes, and I have to build an addition on my apartment for a library for all the books that I need this semester!!! Other than that, life is grand. Keep on keepin on people....

2004-01-09T13:23:00.000-05:00

SEE!!!!!!!

I told you that lady from Ohio was full of shit!!!!!

Ohio lying freak

Ok, I'm off to training, talk to y'all soon!!!!

2004-01-08T10:14:00.000-05:00

Things...

...that annoy me:

-TV idiosyncrasies. I was watching the Buffy episode, "Primeval" this morning and noticed something. The colonel that argues with buffy has no type of military branch on his lapel, only a bird on each side. Now, it's possible that since he works for some kind of secret-agency-demon-experimenting aspect of the military, they don't have a badge for it, but I doubt it. In general, he would have something to let you know what kind of officer he is. (i.e. - Infantry, Intelligence, Armor, etc.) The only officers that don't show their branch are Generals. Bad Joss.

-People that don't let me merge. Granted, I drive a crappy beater car, so I'm getting in anyway and I'm definitely not going to stop regardless of who's in my lane. But, have a little courtesy and either move out of the way or slow down/speed up. Don't wait till the last minute and then act all pissed when I cut you off, because it's going to happen. I think that I will make homage to the urban poet Ludacris and quip, "Move bitch, get out the way..."

-I am basically the Alpha male of my family in the Pittsburgh area. So, that means any and all tasks that involve a shovel, wrench, electronics, engine, or lifting more than 30 pounds are automatically put right into my hands. I can't wait to get back up to school!!!

-Every TNT commercial, all of them. I like the station, it shows re-runs of lots of shows that I like, but the commercials are making me want to dangle the execs of TNT on the side of the balcony like a Jackson baby. UGH!

-SARS. Can someone buy the nation of China a bar of soap for God's sake?? I mean, these people are the typhoid Mary's of the modern day world, thrusting themselves into the Pacific en concerto. Pretty soon, surgical masks are going to be a fashion statement with really cool styles and colors due to these people. Let's just say that I'm not looking forward to an Old Navy commercial with Little Kim and Morgan Fairchild strutting around in the latest sickwear Spring fashions. If that's not a sign of the apocolypse, I have no idea what is...

...that I like:

-Yahoo! Launch music videos. I love the fact that I can watch any vidoe that they have on demand at any time. Besides Consumption Junction this is what the internet was created for.

-Our local weather girl Julie Bologna. So hot...want to touch the heiney...

-Beto's pizza in Pittsburgh. Sure, it has more cheese than an episode of 7th Heaven, and you should receive a CPR card with every purchase...just in case. But it's still quality shit.

-The Dave Chappelle show. This might be one of the funniest variety shows in the history of cable television, and Comedy Central will continue to bury it on a bad time slot on the worst possible night possible. Ok...this qualifies as as something that I like, combined with something that I hate...sometimes this kind of thing gets tricky.

-My roommates. I love these guys. I've got Freddie, who's a total stud and has a heart of gold, and can grill a mean steak. There's Monty, who always brings the great website love for my endless humor, and he's always steady packin somethin...plus, he's got this knack for making really crazy loud noises that make me laugh my ass off at the most inopportune times. Then there's Gerald...he's our answer to affirmative action, and quite possibly the nicest kid I've ever met in my life. And, his fights with his girlfriend make me laugh in ways that I can't convey in written words.

That's about it for now folks...peas.

2004-01-07T12:02:00.000-05:00

Some rules for all of you rednecks to live by...

GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOUSE

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (outside the family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others ! might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

2004-01-06T13:11:00.000-05:00

Things that I don't care a bit about...

Some things have been thrown down my throat ad nauseum of late by the TV gods, and I'd like to voice my annoyance with all of them.

-I could care less about Britney's latest publicity stunt. I don't care if she got married, divorced, impregnated, disembowled, or abducted by aliens and has emerged with some sort of Scientological epiphany.

-"The Goodbye Girl" If I see another one of these commercials on TNT, I'm going to assassinate every person that I see walking the street that reminds me of Hootie, that chick from Everybody Loves Raymond, or the comedic genius that played Harry to Jim Carrey's Lloyd. I'm going to get them all, this I vow.

-If I'm reminded again that LSU won the national title, or that Larry Fitzgerald didn't win the Heisman, people will need medical attention.

-That lady from Ohio that "dropped" her winning lottery ticket. I'm sure it's possible for her to be more full of shit, but like I said above, I just don't care.

-We took a picture of Mars...whatever, *yawn*.

-On a side note, is there ever a time of day that you can't turn on a TV equipped with cable and NOT watch Law & Order or Friends???

-It's snowing, people are wrecking their cars, yada-yada...It is winter, right??

-Pete rose is back, just in time for Hall of Fame voting. Sure, I think he should be in Cooperstown, but seriously folks, who really cares.

-Truckers are complaining about new federal regulations that require them to get more rest before hopping into their 40 ton, 80 miles per hour, death machines on our nation's highways. Those bastards...

Like I said, just a few things that I could care less about.

2003-12-26T15:54:00.000-05:00

What Christmas means to me...

I read some things in some places about the "meaning" of Christmas recently in various newspapers, magazines, and even a few blogs. There was the various drabble and discourse about religion, family, charity, etc...enough to make me wonder why we actually get paid to write the crap that we do sometimes. Granted, I have learned some cool stuff about it all in the past few weeks, like how the 12 Days of Christmas is actually a song created as a mnemonic device to teach the catechism to youngsters, a song of Christian instruction dating to the 16th century religious wars in England, with hidden references to the basic teachings of the Faith. Now, I thought that was pretty cool. But basically, Christmas boils down to what you want it to mean to you. I know that some of my more religious readers out there will disagree, but I guess that considering how I spend my Christmas days, I look at the holiday from more of a "Maslow-nian" point of view.

I spend my Christmas mornings and afternoons feeding indigent and elderly people, and delivering food to the ones that can't make it to the church. Sometimes I tend to see the simple things like a warm meal, a short conversation, or the chance to be around people that care, even though they happen to be complete strangers, are the meaning of Christmas for many of the people that I see every 25th.

So...in the spirit of the season, here's what Christmas means to me:

-The chance to see my entire family all at once, all in good spirits, literally.
-I get to watch "A Christmas Story", "It's a Wonderful Life", and "The Grinch that stole Christmas" enough times to recite them better than those freaks that go watch and act out "Rocky Horror Picture Show."
-Egg Nog. I have no idea why, but they don't sell this stuff during the rest of the year, and if they do there's some sort of psychological disorder that I have that inhibits me from noticing it. By the way, my Egg Nog recipe: Egg Nog, Brandy, Captain Morgan Spiced Rum, and fresh ground Egg Nog on the rocks. Shaken, not stirred.
-Watching my married friends walk around the mall like hopeless drones on the 24th looking for some sort of ray of light to pop out of Bath and Body Works or Victoria's Secret to show them the perfect gift. I bought gummy worms, walked around, and enjoyed the show. (For the record, I hate recieving gifts. My family and I pretty much have come to the understanding that we'll just buy each other something that we want, whenever we think of it, usually during that post-Christmas sale period.)
-Knowing that there is no way in hell that I will give two shits about who is in the playoffs or the super bowl in January.
-The Penguins suck again...another Pittsburgh Christmas tradition.
-My Grammy plays all kinds of old school Christmas tunes from her record collection. Nothing like a nice evening with Grams, Frank, Perry Como, etc.

-On a serious note, watching people with no place to go or no one to be with have a nice meal and conversation at our church on Christmas Day. Seeing an old woman with no family of her own play with and fawn over someone else's children, or the old gentleman that told me about his time in the service at Normandy beach, or the man that had no place to live's countenance after we gave him 3 containers of food to take with him on his way out the door after eating what was probably his first warm meal this winter. That's my present...

2003-12-25T17:57:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas...

Just have a safe and Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Peace and Love,

Billy

2003-12-22T15:50:00.000-05:00

On that note for One and Tommy Boy...

Some other things that never happened:

(I just love days like this...)

Neither Oakland nor Tampa Bay made the Super Bowl last year...didn't happen.

Bill Parcells did not, I repeat...did not come back as a friggin Cowboy!!!

The new Biggie and TuPac song was never actually released on the radio this past month. You know, the one where the entire song is censored and kinda sounds like the broken up voices from Poltergeist talking to Carol Ann. What was the point of this again?

That chick on Average Joe didn't pick the pretty boy. Ok...she did, it just goes to show that we will all make the worst possible dating decisions whenever faced with one of those, "this is a no-brainer" situations.

"The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" was not the movie that I rented last week. There was no way that they made a movie about an immortal that gave away his secret to eternal life, a vampire that hangs out getting a suntan on the deck of a boat, and a movie that Sean Connery doesn't at least almost get some. Just disgusting...

Chingy...these people were never born.

Franco Harris never played anywhere else after he left the Black and Gold, ever.

I never got this damn flu!!!!!

2003-12-22T14:54:00.000-05:00

Still sick...

I am still sick. It went away for a little, now it's back, stronger than ever!!!! I'm going to go back to my coma, ttyl.

And for the record, none of this week's games counted. Unless you live in Pittsburgh!!!!

=)

2003-12-19T13:28:00.000-05:00

2003-12-18T22:48:00.000-05:00

I'm baaaacccckkkk!!!!

And funky like a dumpster, smellin' like love gone sour, suspicion, and BIIIIIIGGGG Hair...off to shower!!!!

Till tomorrow....

2003-12-16T22:02:00.000-05:00

Away message...

I'll be away training for the next few days at wild, wonderful, Ft. Indiantown Gap; try to go on without me.

2003-12-15T13:19:00.000-05:00

Yo soy infermo...

I am sick as a freakin' dog right now!!! It's cold, snowy, the Steelers suck, and there ain't a damn thing to watch on TV. I'm in hell!!!!

2003-12-12T14:25:00.000-05:00

Why in the hell was I not informed of this????

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds

Seriously, what do I keep you people around for anyway???

Pfft.

2003-12-12T13:57:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure this is what Yahweh had in mind...

You gotta see this; it changes all my views on contraception, abortion, ritual sacrifice, cable, etc.

Do Children Deserve Anything For Christmas?

2003-12-11T09:51:00.000-05:00

by the way...

I'm tagging all of your boards with happy 80's music love, don't be alarmed.

2003-12-11T09:42:00.000-05:00

finally...

I am finally done with finals!!!!! I have gotten back a few of my grades already, including the highest grade in any of the sections on one of my presentations!!! Those honor section people can eat my shit!!!! So....in honor of our search for the perfect grade point average, we are going to have a party where you can only drink "40's" (40's - 4.0 for the slower members of my viewing audience...) Pretty creative, huh???

Now it's time for a much needed nap.

2003-12-10T16:57:00.000-05:00

4 down...

All I have left is one lousy quiz and it's drinking time!! Yep, one stupid, meaningless quiz. Why is it meaningless you ask? Because we can drop our two lowest quiz grades in the class!!! So basically, unless I somehow manage to do something so utterly offensive during the course of my quiz that it would warrant me getting thrown out of school, I'm in the clear!!!

Guess it's drinking time!!!!!

2003-12-08T14:12:00.000-05:00

3 down...

2 to go. I'm a presentation and a quiz away from a 4.0!!!

WOOT!!!!!

2003-12-07T17:03:00.000-05:00

New Link Below.

I put a link below to some of my favorite pictures of me and my peeps, check it out. And by the way, the Steelers friggin' rule!!!!!

2003-12-02T13:14:00.000-05:00

One down, four to go...

That's right people, one final presentation finished!!! What's left? 2 more presentations and 2 finals. Then it is friggin party time!!!!

2003-11-27T16:06:00.000-05:00

Pittsburgh Barbies

Barbie Dolls for the Pittsburgh Market

Mt. Lebanon Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at South Hills Village or the Galleria. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Upper St. Claire Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and can be spotted on cell phone. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.

Homestead Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy on rims with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit.. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop - then we don't know what you're talking about.

McMurray Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. But you can't afford them anyway.

Monongahela Barbie: This model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a rose on her shoulder. She has big hair, a six pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired Kenny doll's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free. This model can also be applied to West Liberty and Broomfield!

Shadyside Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print ski outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains friends at the club. Percocet prescription available.

South Side Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair and archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She prefers that you call her "Willow."

Oakland Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of the Orbit Lounge. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Ford pick up

Texas Transplant Barbie: This Barbie comes with a Ford SUV (with Texas plates), a knife to stab other Barbie's in the back, and tons of makeup. Carnivore Ken sold separately.

Downtown Barbie: This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1982. She comes with shoulder pads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose, sneakers, and a bad haircut.

2003-11-27T16:02:00.000-05:00

Funny stuff-ing for your turkey day...

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.At the hardware store Mary Louise
saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelfwhile she was waiting for Joe Bob
to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot?
Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness, that
sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to
describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to
the backroom to find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that
hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out. On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber shaved his head bare. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.... The Army is still looking for him.

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests,
he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?
I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthful!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy people?"
"No," I said, "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?"

2003-11-26T12:13:00.000-05:00

OnebyOne, secretly a minister for the facist establishment...

Why you ask? Well, I just got done taking this inkblot test that I snaked from her blog, and it got me to thinking about why she would post something like that. First, here are my results...

William, your subconscious mind is driven most by Imagination

You have a deep desire to use ideas to change the world around you. This drive influences you far more than you may realize on a conscious level.

You love to brainstorm and imagine new possibilities. The world is a fuller, richer place because you can contribute new ideas to any experience. Your natural curiosity inspires those around you and encourages them to come up with ideas they wouldn't have discovered without your help.

Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.

Now then...about the conspiracy theory. (whether you can tell or not, I'm on break from classes right now, so I've got a little free time to type away) Anywho, I've come to the conclusion that with its personality, IQ, and inkblot tests, that Emode is in actuality the subset of a complex governmental agency, (I'm not sure of which one yet, but I'll find out soon enough...) devised to analyze the masses via the internet. Sure, Emode seems harmless enough, with its friendly colors and happy names for the testing departments (this one was done by "tickle"), but don't be fooled people!!! What is actually going on here is the compilation of a worldwide psychological database that will be utilized in conjunction with face-recognition technology, satellite monitored human-tracking computer chips implanted in our toes, and advanced computer monitors and televisions that give "the man" the opportunity to watch our every move at all times, ala 1984.
(By the way, don't bother turning them off...they will be powered by a Uranium power center that has a half-life of 5247 years, your power cord is just for show.)
And now back to my "friend" OnebyOne. It took me a little time to initially realize it, with her clever wit and cool website design, she seemed like just another fun person in blogland, but I now realize that she is what these agancies call a "seeder," subtly encouraging unknowing folks like myself to take part in their mind probing exercises. I'm on to you buddy...you and Gwen Stefani, Keifer Sutherland, Jon Gruden.

OK...well now that I've taken care of that, I'm going to go back to writing complex mathematical equations on my windows. If you see my pills that help me keep away the aliens and federal agents that watch me from telephone poles wearing cowboy outfits, let me know.

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!

2003-11-18T21:40:00.000-05:00

Fucking Kangaroos...

Just go here, don't ask any questions.

The end of the world

2003-11-18T21:11:00.000-05:00

Burning my bra...

Here's the deal with this. I had to do a review of a dance concert, and now my prof wants to use it to show the dancers and faculty involved. Basically, I'm the Earnest Hemmingway of our generation. After i become famous, we can all go hunting and drinking all night.

Here you go....

“People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like.”
-Abraham Lincoln

Normally, when a person writes a review of an event, whether it be a theatrical production, a movie, a book, whatever…they usually have some form of formal expertise, experience, or just a simple affection for the subject matter. As I walked into Grove City High School auditorium and took my seat in the balcony next to a few girls from Slippery Rock University that were there, “because we enjoy this sort of thing…and try not to miss any of these,” I realized that I had neither expertise nor experience for the subject matter, but I knew that my affection was growing, so I figured that there may be a glimmer of hope.
The concert consisted of five pieces choreographed and performed by Slippery Rock University faculty dance members, alumnae, and guest artists. All of the dances performed were simultaneously entertaining and confusing, but since the show I have had a chance to look over my notes and contemplate what I had gained from the experience. The entire concert seemed to fly by so quickly as I was attempting to deconstruct the messages conveyed by the artists. Many times during the course of the performance, when I thought that I had a handle on what the artists and choreographers were trying to convey, something would happen on the stage and make me rethink my analysis.
The two dance pieces that seemed to intrigue me the most were, “Skin Deep” and “Burning.” Both of the dances are open for any number of possible and indefinable interpretations, drawing on the background, interests, and views of the particular audience members. “Burning” was a dramatic work inspired by Butoh, a contemporary Japanese dance form that strives to reveal the mysterious places within our soul that we keep locked away from the outside world, while “Skin Deep” was a technologically-enhanced postmodern piece that expressed its message by more obvious means. Both pieces were complex expressions of the role and development of women in our society, performed in their own particular contexts to convey their messages.
The Butoh work, “Burning,” was the more intrinsically defined of the two works, generating its message from the movements, dress, and tone illustrated by the dancers and choreographer. The two women conveyed a dark, melancholy message through their simultaneous, stationary movements. At times, their motions were slow and controlled with the quiet grace of a content butterfly, while at others the dancers would be thrown into a series of spastic, primal, and uncontrollable movements; shaking erratically, or whirling across the stage like a dervish. I am torn between two of my interpretations regarding the nature of this piece; whether the dancers were expressing a love between the two of them, repressed by a closed-minded society that forced them into madness at times, or if the two dancers were actually a representation of a complex single persona, a woman torn between two aspects of her soul. At times, the two parts of her soul would be in equilibrium and harmony, while occasionally the halves would be completely different, with one completely out of control. This could possibly be a representation of the loss of control and identity that women may feel in a male-dominated society, of whom they are expected to love and obey without always receiving reciprocation or validation.
“Skin Deep” conveyed a more external message through the use of a computer generated marquee banner imposed on the dancers and the stage. The words, “cute…slut…legs” and others of a similar nature were shined on the dancers and the background. The title of this piece removes a substantial amount of the ambiguity that existed in “Burning.” The phrase, “Beauty is only skin deep…” is a common one in our society, but I don’t believe that beauty is exactly what they dancers were conveying in this case.
Their movements were a fusion of seduction and purity, and most importantly utilizing only the space in front of the marquee where the words could be superimposed upon their bodies. This was to express the way that our society labels young women, and its inability to see the women in the context outside of the marquee, a place where their actual beauty and depth could be perceived. The words were shadowed on the wall by the bodies of the dancers, an obvious consequence of science; but possibly a message to the audience that when these words are used to label a person, their identity and soul are reduced to a blank, dark, existence of nothingness represented by the shadow created on the back wall. Throughout the course of the piece the labels placed upon the dancers from the outside world remained, as did the blankness of their representation on the wall behind them, showing how young women in our society can be simplified to feeling as if they are only a series of negating words and phrases to the outside world, and that the impression that they leave is that of blankness and non-existence.
The quote at the top of the page is a somewhat paradoxical representation of my feelings as I walked into Grove City High Schools’ auditorium on Saturday evening. I had initial thoughts and prejudices about the events that were before me, thinking that this was going to be a lot of stuff that I would not understand and more accurately, that I wouldn’t enjoy. I was half right; I don’t really think that I understood exactly what was going on 90% of the time during the show. I was lost throughout almost the entire performance, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t enjoy it, quite the contrary actually. Part of the enjoyment of the evening was walking away from the auditorium and getting the sensation that I had just experienced the thoughts and expressions of others through their art. I came to the realization that I had just sat through one and a half hours of a walking, living, breathing museum of art filled with color, music, expression, joy, pain and life.

2003-11-11T21:47:00.000-05:00

The greatest website ever...

I love this place, and it will almost definitely be the unbecoming of anything resembling a productive life for me. Please send me help!!!

Hooked on Facts

2003-11-11T19:11:00.000-05:00